Apocalypse Later...

I had been contemplating deleting my Facebook account. I felt it was no longer needed, and that I was putting more into it than I was receiving, and so I felt it was time for itto go. But there was only one thing wrong with that plan, it was my long distance friends and my friends who I would surely lose contact with if I delete my account. So I decided I could just install self control for myself and just take everything off of it except for my friends (and even some of them).

Now, what was interesting was that, as I was going through and untagging any photos of me, I locked into a nostalgic trip. I looked through all of them from the past 4 years of Facebook. Old girlfriends, distant friends, different haircuts. And I could not relate to them. I had no idea who that person I was looking at was. Their thoughts, their beliefs, their actions, so utmost bazaar to me.

The way I was, was not the person I had always wanted to be.

And that’s an important line. Because someone who has the kind of brain like I do, is always thinking; Thinking 4 steps ahead, thinking how they are viewed, thinking what they did wrong, and just thinking. I had obviously thought about the kind of person I had wanted to be. In fact, that was the thing I had thought about most. I have talked before on this blog about interviewing myself as a kid and pretending like I was retired, and I have always had BIG DREAMS. I was always thinking about who I was.

So looking back and realizing that a kid that thought so much about who he is and where he is going, and not being that person in the closest, kind of depressed me. But then…it made me think. (Big surprise)

I feel that right now, at this very moment, I am the closer to who I want to be, and who a younger version of me wanted me to be, than I have been in my entire life. 

And I think that has to do with things like this blog, and my cartooning, my girlfriend, my music, my hands, my heart, and my mind. I think of art projects and I do them. I complete them. Or I try my hardest to. And I think that has more to do with it than anything, and if you will let me be wise (or pretentious) one last time here;

You can do the things you want to do. And you can do it WAY easier than you think you can. You just…do it. Do it. That’s it. Don’t let laziness or money or pride or anything else stop you, because at the end of it what the fuck is left. Just the things that you did. And there is a real pride and a real sense of accomplishment that comes from doing something just because you wanted to. I wanted to draw a daily cartoon, so I just did it. I can’t draw, I didn’t have the tools, but I made it work. I draw them on dollar store sticky notes, and with felt markers. And it is one of the things I’m most proud of. I NEEDED to write a blog to get feelings out and I wanted to do it in a public forum, so I did THIS. and about 120 posts later here we are.

And that was the main difference I have found between that kid I was and who I am now. It wasn’t depression, it wasn’t being hurt, it wasn’t fear. It was that I had these dreams, but I wasn’t doing them. Now I am. 

And now, I am ready to move on. This will be the last post on Apocalypse Later. I started this thing because I needed to, and now I move on, because I need to. I am  writing this final post because I didn’t want this blog to just disappear into the ether that is the internet. I want it to be a recollection of what I went through this past year. How I handled things and how I got through it all. If you start from page one, you can see my phases. How I felt about different topics, what I felt was important and how I viewed myself. And there definitely is an arc there. This was a great experiment, I loved it. It helped me in ways that I couldn’t even begin to explain. I hope you connected with it some way.

One day you will see me on the street and I’ll make you laugh,

and one day, you will see my comics in a paper, 

and one day, you will hear my music on the radio,

and one day, you will see my films on the screen,

and one day, you will hear me read my poetry,

and one day, you will see me ‘stand-up’,

or maybe one day you will never hear from me again,

but just know that I’m doing whatever I feel I need to do,

and that slowly but surely I am figuring it all out.

Believe it or not, I have never had a problem with being too slutty.

Sometimes I feel I am the human equivalent of a facebook ‘poke’. People notice me, but don’t really understand why I exist.

I have a problem with nostalgia…But I never used to, back in the good ol’ days.

I’m just a soul waiting to be a ghost.

I’m not paranoid, I’m just ready.

It’s extremely easy to make to make a house a home, but extremely difficult to make a home just a house.

To me, the most romantic thing on this planet is a mix tape. Even if the songs are shitty.

My self-worth is lowered because I wasn’t picked for Google+. I miss the good ol’ days when self-worth was lowered because people just called you a faggot. 

The only reason I wish I still smoked pot is that it makes the band ‘Yes’ wayyyy easier to listen to.

Maybe they need to take the power away from certain words. Start saying “Can’t-cer”.

I think the reason music is so powerful is because of it’s consistency and it’s permanence. No matter where I am in life, I will always have those 68 Okkervil River songs, and I don’t have to worry about that ever leaving me. I can be on my death bed and still hear Will Sheff’s spit hit the microphone on ‘For Real’. That’s comforting. 

I have 198 Facebook Friends, people I’ve come into contact with once or twice.

I miss underage drinking.

I also miss high school. The thing I miss about it, is hating it.

^ this is my favourite comic I’ve done. It’s also the most personal.

No matter how much I try not to be, I’m still just a big stupid man and I still just want to cum. No matter how in touch with my feelings I am, I still just want to cum. No matter how wise and young, or old and naive, I still just want to cum. No matter my sexual  orientation or my sexual frustration, I still just want to cum. No matter how many books I’ve read or sad songs I’ve loved, or hearts I have broken, I still just want to cum. cum. cum. cum. 

This world is too small for me.

I just want to cum.

I was in Chapters the other day with my girlfriend Melanie, and as we were browsing through the shelves we got separated. For the next 15 minutes I was walking laps around the store looking for her, and as this was a smaller store, I was surprised I couldn’t find her. And I swear to god, the thought that stayed in my mind the longest was,

“Oh great, this is where I realize Melanie was just a figment of my imagination and the entire relationship was just a delusion.”

I laughed at this thought at first, and said to myself “I can’t wait to tell Mel…if I ever see her again…”

And the longer I walked around looking for her, the more and more I got worried that this was actually true, and I was in fact, crazy. I started walking around faster, and I could feel my heart rate speed up and a sweat form on my back.

But this is where the story runs out of steam, and I finally found her and realize I’m not crazy. 

But if I was, she would have been a pretty good delusion

I 

So, you know how I just had that long drawn out explanation about losing my job and being alright with it because I knew everything was going to be ok?

Well, turns out the email was a mistake, and for some reason I was put into the wrong list for those emails, and actually WAS hired. I start monday.

Everything will be ok.

Living. Loving. Working. Music. Cartoons. Humour. and the knowledge that everything will be ok.

I woke up this morning and opened an email from my new future employer, Best Buy. I was hired last week as a Refurbishment product tester, which came as a relief because I just lost my job at BlockBuster. It looked like a pretty sweet job, full time, 13 bucks an hour, y’know, a job that could provide me with enough money to do anything I wanted to do. But this morning I got an email that said that they decided not to hire me. No reasons. Just that. It bummed me out. As I am now unemployed…and worried.

But just now, after deciding I needed a shower before Melanie comes over, I closed my computer after a couple hours of applying for unemployment insurance, and other jobs, I left my speakers on. I took the shower, and as I got out, I could hear the music through the door, I opened it slightly and Okkervil River’s “A stone” washed over me. I stood there naked and just listened to it. The thought I had was “I just love music. I know everyone does, but I think I just really love it.”

And I felt ok. I was ok. I was ok. I was ok. I was alright. I was fine. I was accepting. I was alright that I had just lost two jobs in 2 days, and am now unemployed. Because I was going to be OK.

And this was something I have been thinking about lately. When I had heard I had gotten this full time warehouse job, I really had to think about what it meant. I looked at the money and realized I would be making 28,000 a year. Which is a career. A career that I would have to wake up at 6:30 monday to friday, and actually work. I would be a working stiff! Part of me felt like I was selling out, but after a while of actually thinking about it, and thinking about following my dreams; I had an epiphany.

When I was younger, I would look at people like my Dad, or any other older man who worked at a job that was not glamourous, I would hate them. I would hate everything about them. They didn’t follow their dream, they sold out, they just fit into the machine. But with the thought of all this money and everything this new job entailed, I realized what that would do to ME. To my soul. And that was nothing. No matter what I am doing, no matter how old I am, I will still be me. I will still have my mind, my sense of humour, my way of looking at the world, my music, my love of comedy, everything. i will still be me. Because I was forgetting the most important and simple thing, that you are not defined by what you do for work. What you DO, and what you DO FOR A LIVING are allowed to be completely different.

The workers that I hated, didnt give up on their dreams at all, their dreams just changed. I even think they became less selfish. It changed from wanting to be a musician, or astronaut, or whatever, to wanting a family, wanting a good home, wanting good people to surround themselves with. Not wanting to be a rock god.

You are still you no matter what you do. It’s not about your career, it’s about your experiences, the people you surround yourself, self exploration, self fulfilment of hobbies, small victories, being a good person, loving, being loved. You are always you.

So I’m not worried about it. Im ok. Im not worried about becoming a proffesional stand-up, or musician. Because I will always be laughing and singing songs. I am not worried about finding a job, because I will, even stupid people get employed. I am not worried about ‘selling out’ (whatever that means) because I’ll always have my own soul. I lost two jobs this weekend, but Im still going to an Okkervil River concert tonight with a girl who I love and am loved by. I may not ever become a stand-up for a living, but I will always have Woody Allen records. I may not do the things I thought I wanted to do, but I will do whatever I end up doing my own way, because that’s the only thing I know how to do. No matter where and what I am, I’ll always have Dylan, Ginsburg, Maron, Carlin, Allen, Okkervil River, Kubrick, you. and me. I will always have me.

Everything will be ok for me. Everything will be ok for you.

Let’s go get ice cream.

Well, I did it. I took my first step to becoming a stand up comedian. I could write a whole over dramatic thing about, describing what it felt like to do it, how the audience reacted, and how I felt about it.

But in all honesty-

I did fine. I had a few laughs, a few jokes that didn’t work. I spoke too fast, I cut out bits, and kind of went into a weird trance on stage. I didn’t have the epiphany moment that I felt I would about needing to do this for the rest of my life. But overall, I did absolutely alright for my first time.

I’m still learning to stand.

     Well, Ladies and Gentleman, tonight is the night that I do the thing that I have been dreaming about doing for years. Tonight is the night that I finally get up on that stage and become a comedian. I am nervous about it, because I have had so much build up to those 5 mins, and it means so much to me. But I know, that the moment I walk out there, grab that microphone and get that first laugh, there will be no turning back. That will be my life.

     So where does this leave us? You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t been posting as much, or as regularly. I have looked over this blog and looked at the very first post from almost 6 months ago, and it read, “This blog is going to be a written account of me trying to find my soul again.” and quite honestly, I feel I have found it. I have gotten what I needed to get out of this blog, and I feel it has a very obvious ark. From its inception, where I was a bumbling depressed mess just looking for anything to cling on to and give me identity, to now, where tonight I am taking the first step to follow my dreams. This blog did what I needed it to do. And I am thankful to all of you, who read it, who passed it along, who talked to me about it, and I hope you got something out of it to, whether it was a laugh, a new way to see a subject, or most importantly, a new way to see me.  

     But this is not the end of the blog. I will still post as much as I can, but only when I need to. I just wanted to let you know that this blog worked, and I am now in a much better position in life.

I am starting a new project, a daily web comic, and as soon as I have it up, I will attach the link here. Hopefully that will do what I need it do, the same way this blog did what it needed to do.

I love you all. Wish me luck tonight, I will probably write something about it tonight.

Dan Johnson

“The next evolutionary step, is into the screen” - Marc Maron